Sleep during the last few weeks of pregnancy has been fleeting. Occasionally I would describe it as impossible. My wakefulness has become a curious mix of anxiety and excitement. Some nights I feel as though anxiety rules me - and some nights excitement does. Often curiosity and a mixed feeling of longing send me off to sleep. Generally I am awake around 3 am to sometimes 6 or so. I have wanted to document how I feel about this pattern of wakefulness for awhile. What better place then here?
3 am is lonely. The strangest sort of lonely. I don't think 3 am would be the magical number for everyone - for some it may be 7 am or 11pm (who knows really why these times are the loneliest). My closest guess is because the sky is so dark this time of night. Very few creatures are awake. In my house everyone - inlcuding the cat is in solid slumber. I find this time of night - or I suppose I should say early morning - the most difficult. Distraction is often key.
Most people say this wakefulness prepares you for a life with a newborn. I know it is common. In some ways I feel as though it is another right of passage onto motherhood. On this morning, as I write this at 5:41 am I am certain I agree. Some nights I just wish for sleep - deep rest - to prepare my body and mind.
Having now spent so many nights awake and pondering these thoughts I am content that I have somewhere to reflect upon them. Our lives will be changing so much in just a few short weeks that I try to appreciate and absorb every moment even more. I savor these odd moments of wakefulness. I want to embrace the strong mix of emotions - the high highs and low lows.
We are changing - and evolving. And growing.
I think I will finish my orange juice and fold some laundry. Perhaps in a bit I will give sleep another try.
Lots of love,
P.S. The photograph at the top of this post is indeed me. I rarely include pictures here of myself, but I felt it fitting for this sentimental post.
